


You have me

by Briallen



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Caring boyfriends, Fluff and Angst, Living Together, Lucas caring too much, M/M, Panic Attack, anxiety attack, relantionship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22945879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briallen/pseuds/Briallen
Summary: "I can´t do this anymore," he says and his voice breaks in the same moment as the tears fall from his eyes to his almost non-existent cheeks. "I feel like I´m dying," Lucas whispers and pressed his back to the wall behind him."You´re not dying," Eliott says and steps to him, ignoring Lucas´ hands still raised up between them.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 34
Kudos: 299





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the scene in Skam OG s2 where Noora has this breakdown and William takes care of her and she falls asleep in his arms. But in this story, there´s totally different circumstances. It´s just that thinking about that clip with Noora made me think about this. 
> 
> TW: panic attack; anxiety attack;

...

**LUCAS**

  
It´s been a difficult start of the year. 

  
Eliott was having more downs than ups and Lucas was trying to just be there for him and support him, always, be exactly what Eliott needs. And it´s working, sometimes. Lucas can see it in those small gestures, like, Eliott wants to be close to him, so he lies down on the couch when Lucas is in the living room doing homeworks. Or, the little touches everytime Eliott walks past Lucas in the flat. 

  
It´s working, sometimes, it´s working like that Lucas is the stable point for Eliott, to hold him, to be there if he needs, to take care of everything else. 

  
It comes with the first bad grade on tuesday. _What is it with tuesdays? Fuck tuesdays. Tuesdays suck._

They got results from this one exam in Lucas´ class and he sees his grade. Such a fucking bad one. Lucas stares at it for long minutes, because he doesn´t understand. He can´t understand. He was studying for this exam a lot. More than a lot. He was studying several days until it was too late at night and Eliott literally dragged him to bed.   
And he got... _this_?

How is this possible?

Lucas comes home that day, feeling like the stupidiest person in the world. And there´s Eliott, who never left their bed since morning, feeling like a crap himself, apparantely. Lucas tries to offer him few things: _do you want to go for a walk? something to eat? water? tea? cuddle?_

Nothing.   
And Lucas feels useless. 

He goes to the kitchen and studies for hours. When he finally goes to sleep, he can´t re-call one single thing from what he was studying earlier and that terrifies him. He just can´t fucking remember. Was he even studying at all?  
_Fuck_.

Lucas doesn´t sleep that night. 

  
...

  
Lucas doesn´t sleep for a week now. His head hurts. He´s exhausted. He´s sleeping when he shouldn´t, like, mostly, little naps in classes. Teachers are mad at him. They´re asking him to stay after the end of the class and then they talking to him. About his grades. About his behaviour. About him getting worse and worse. 

Lucas really trying to listen. But he can´t focus. His head hurts so much. He feels so heavy. He knows it´s bad. His school results, that is. But he´s trying, He´s really really trying. He´s doing his best. Well, definitely his best in this state of his. 

  
Lucas knows what his priorities suppose to be. He knows.   
But he can´t stop the thoughts and that feeling that _Eliott_ is his biggest priority.

And no, he doesn´t regret a thing about it.

  
Lucas knows. 

  
Eliott has so much to do with his work in the video store and uni, stressing a lot about his exams, about his projects. About his assignments. So Lucas doesn´t talk to him about his own problems in school. He can´t. Lucas doesn't want to stress him any harder. And he knows Eliott would be stressed about Lucas too. He knows.   
So there´s no talking about it, because Eliott doesn´t feel really well since the start of the year. And he´s Lucas´ biggest priotity. His health, his smile. 

  
Lucas just wants to make everything to see the precious smile again, soon. 

  
...

  
Lucas feels helpless.   
His grades got worse. 

He´s struggling, he can´t focus. He can´t sleep because he´s stressing so much about everything. His migraines got worse too. His head hurts so much. He went to the school nurse but she told him he needs some good sleep. 

  
Yeah like he doesn´t fucking know that himself. 

  
He´s struggling. 

He feels like he doesn´t know anything anymore. He doesn't know what to do after bac, he´s struggling with his grades which went so down lately. His friends... well, Lucas listens to their rambling about their problems at lunch (because he really can´t eat, he feels like he´s gonna be sick if he eats even a little bit) and he doesn´t know how to help them. Fuck, he doesn´t even know what to fucking _say_ to make them feel a little _better_ , or to just show his interest and support. 

So he says nothing.  
Like the shitty friend he is. 

  
...

  
The trip.  
The _fucking_ trip to the Basile´s grandpa´s farm. 

Don´t get him wrong, he´s glad that Basile did that for them, for all of his friends. He´s happy when he sees Eliott´s smile. It´s so shiny and beautiful, _finally_. Finally he feels better. So, Lucas´ trying to be normal and enjoy stuff like that. Eliott´s smile. The countryside. Time with his friends, pushing his feelings down and down and down to not show anything on his face, to not _ruin_ that for anyone. 

Then he sees Eliott sad again and the feeling in his stomach grows, more, again, how useless and powerless he is in cases like this. 

He thought that this is over him, already. He thought he understands better now. That´s what they were talking about with Eliott on the beginning of their relantionship, actually. Lucas thought he had it under controll. 

Fuck he had _not_. 

And it sucks. 

  
...

  
Lucas' grades get worse. So much _worse_. And since he is not partner with Imane in biology, he has noone to help him with it. And he's a little bit ashamed he's struggling so much, when last year it was all just good. So good. 

He can't sleep and because of that he's tired and can't focus in classes, and because of that he's getting bad grades and because of that he's in constant stress and he can't sleep. It's like vicious circle.   
No way out.

He's studying a lot. Well, he´s _trying_. He's in empty apartment quite often, when Eliott has late classes or when he's working in the video store.

So Eliott is gone and Lucas sits in the kitchen behind the table, textbooks spread on the table in front of him, his notes which looks more like blank papers on which someone was trying if his pen is working or not. Word here word there, nothing much. More nothing than much. Lucas knows exactly in what moment he fell asleep in that class.

_Fuck._

He needs to study.

But when his pen touches the paper, his phone rings with notification. Eliott's gonna be done in work in ten minutes and Lucas wanted to pick him up and walk home with him. He told him as much this morning, he can't break his promise to his boyfriend. Whatever he needs to do, Eliott needs him, too. Eliott needs him now. He needs him strong and stable, because Eliott himself is in so much stress lately, that Lucas is his _anchor._

  
Like, two days ago, when Lucas came home from school on the edge with his nerves, because he recieved bad grades from two tests that day and boys were wierd and he spilled tea on his chemistry textbook. It was bad day since very morning, and the teacher giving him speech about upcoming bac was already more than enough.

He arrived to their flat with the urge to cry, to let it out, and then he saw Eliott, sitting on the couch, lips turned down, making himself smaller. He looks like this everytime when he's sad. Like he would want to dissapear.

"Hi," Lucas said, when he approached him. "Are you okay, my love?"

"I had a really really bad day in school, and then this old man in videostore yelled at me because I couldn't find this stupid dvd, and..." Eliott sighs. His voice is quiet and he's looking down. "I'm just really glad that you're here now," Eliott said and looked up at Lucas. "I need you."

Eliott needed him. So Lucas pushed his feelings down down down and sat on the couch.

"Come here, love," he said and opened his arms for Eliott, who lied down on Lucas' chest and let himself be held by his boyfriend.

  
So, it goes like this.

Lucas pushing his feelings down when Eliott has a bad day, because he doesn't need to add to Eliott's worry some more.

Lucas pushing his feelings down when Eliott has a good day, because he doesn't want to ruin that for him, he doesn't want that smile, beautiful smile on Eliott's face to dissapear.

  
He thinks about this moment now, when he´s walking down the street to Eliott´s job.   
Yeah, he needs to be good for his boyfriend. He´s the light of Lucas´ life. He can´t lose him. 

Eliott walks out of the door of videostore just in the moment when Lucas arrives in place. He swallows few times to get rid of that lump creating in his throat on the way here. 

"Hi," he says and leans to kiss Eliott´s cheek. "How was your shift?"

"It was good, yeah," Eliott smiles and then frowns a little. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, why?" Lucas forces a smile to his face. 

Eliott shrugs. "You seem a little... out of breath."

Fuck. _No_. 

"Yeah t-that´s because I was late and I ran here," Lucas says. 

"Lucas, you didn´t have to run, we could meet in the middle or I would just wait a little."

"No, no, it´s all good, I´m here now, right?" Lucas says and brushes Eliott´s arm before he takes his hand in his. "Let´s go home."

"Okay, yeah, let´s go home," Eliott smiles and they go. And Lucas is just happy to see his smile again. It´s small and a little tired, but it´s there. And it´s all that matters, so Lucas doesn´t say anything. 

Nights go like this: Eliott in Lucas' arms, his face nuzzling into Lucas' neck, his arms hugging Lucas' middle. Lucas, lying on his back, arms wrapped around Eliott's shoulders, drawing softly to his back. It's a soothing movement and Lucas is not sure anymore if he makes it for Eliott, or for himself.

Because Lucas can't sleep. He feels anxious all the time. His head hurts so badly. He thinks about his grades, about his friends, even about his broken family.

About Eliott.

Eliott needs him to be stable. So he is. He's trying. _It's gonna be okay. He's okay._

Eliott's soft breath tickling his neck and Lucas really trying to calm his heart enough to be quiet, because it's beating so loud and fast and he feels like he can't breathe.

Lucas kisses Eliott's head and Eliott's arms tightens their grip.

Yeah, he can do that. He can. He _will._

  
...

  
It´s been weeks since Lucas last slept at night. It´s been weeks since he started pushing his feelings down down down, burrying it all deep inside of him.  
He´s so tired. He´s so stressed. His hands trembling all the fucking time, he´s so weak. He´s barely eating. 

  
Lucas is on the edge.

And definitely not the edge of glory, like Lady Gaga herself, but on the edge of mental breakdown. He's going home and he still hears the teacher's voice. _"If you want to sabotage your bac, mr. Lallemant, go ahead. But at least stop sabotaging it for everyone else. You and mr. Broussard won't be partners anymore in my class, and not in the others, I'll make sure of it. His grades got worse since he' s working with you. It's time for you to realize that it's your future what it is about. Wake up."_

  
Future.

Lucas doesn't _give a fuck_ about it. He thought he knew what he wants to do but lately he's not sure about anything anymore.

He stormed out of the classroom straight to the bathroom and locked himself there, trying to breathe in and out, put his head between his knees like he read somewhere.

He missed his next class, avoided the teacher and headed home.

Eliott supposes to have afternoon classes today so he has few hours in flat to get his shits together.

But when Lucas opens the front door, there he is. Eliott. Sitting on the couch, drawing to his sketchbook.

"Hi baby," Eliott calls out when he sees him and grins at him.

"Oh, hi," Lucas says taken aback and his voice sounds raspy. He coughs and takes his time to take off his jacket and slips out from his shoes, just to take few steady breaths to keep it inside. Push it down again. "You don't have classes?" he asks when he goes to Eliott and gives him a kiss to his forehead.

"Nope," Eliott smiles up at him before he returns to his drawing. "It got cancelled, because the professor's family emergency or something like that."

"That's great," Lucas says, sitting on the armrest of the couch, stroking Eliott's hair for a moment. He wants to ask what Eliott's working on, how was his day, what he ate for lunch, what class was his favourite today, if he noticed the clouds today. All those little things Lucas wants to know about Eliott. He loves the excitement in Eliott's pretty eyes, when he's talking about something nice.

But Lucas feels this lump in his throat and he's afraid that he´ll break in the first try to say something, so he's stroking Eliott's hair for a little while without a word, until he notices his hand shaking, so he stops, before Eliott could notice too.

Eliott is momentarily occupied with his drawing, so Lucas gets up and goes to the bedroom, closes the door quietly behind.

He lets out shaky breath to calm his nerves but he can't, he can't, he can't breathe, his hands shaking and heart beating and he feels like suffocating.

_Jesus, calm the fuck down, it's just a few bad grades._

But it's _not_ just a _few_. It's a _lot_ , actually, more than ever before. He can't focus, he can't sleep. He can't focus because he can't sleep. He didn't visit his mom for long time now because he didn't want for her to see him like this - she would definitely notice. His friends, he feels so distant, they feel so distant. The teacher's speech about how he's ruining his friends' future. _His own future._

And Eliott. Finally having a good days, good weeks smiling like a sun itself.

Lucas walks around the room. Then he changes his jeans for a black sweatpants because if Eliott would ask what he's doing in the bedroom for so long, he can say he was changing his clothes.

Easy.

It lasts months, Lucas knows now how to walk in that.

Unless... Today is somehow worse than any other day before. Lucas feels like drowning. Fuck, he can't fucking breathe. He´s trying to push it down, like usually, but it´s not working. He can´t _breathe_.

_I'm gonna die, i'm gonna die, i'm gonna die._

It´s too _much_. Everything is suddenly so much. 

Teacher's voice. Bad grades. Sleepless nights. Lucas spending hours and hours with studying and making no difference in exams. Still bad. How he can't keep anything in his mind. Anything useful, at least.

_Get yourself together. For Eliott. For Eliott. Before he'll notice. Get yourself together!_

He's trying to push it down, like always, but it's not working. Today. It's not working today.

"Lucas?"

_Shit._

  
...

  
**ELIOTT**

  
When Eliott noticed that there's something wrong, it was already too late. He feels like the biggest idiot.

  
He was doing so bad since the start of the year. He was stressed with his exams in uni. And he doesn´t get that, because he actually loves his classes. He loves the art school. He loves his professors and everything what he´s learning in his lessons. 

So why?

Well, it´s still new for him. It was _one_ semester. The start of the second one was... tough. It was like his mind just realized the change. Eliott was never good with changes. 

The only change he was totally in peace with, was the moving in with Lucas. Well, of course. Because Lucas is the love of his life. And he knows that. And he´s okay with living with him. Fuck, _more_ than okay. He´s amazing. Lucas is wonderful. And Eliott loves him. 

So, he was doing kinda bad, and the only thing what was stable in his life, was Lucas. And Lucas was truly wonderful one, because he was there for Eliott, like, all the damn time. Holding him in his arms. So calm and sweet. Supportive. His presence makes Eliott feels good. 

  
So how Eliott didn´t notice? 

Those dark circles under Lucas´ huge blue blue eyes, like he wouldn´t slept for weeks. His cheeks, gone. His cheekbones more prominent than usually. His clothes hang loosely on his little frame. And why Eliott can´t even remember the last time when he saw his boyfriend´s smile?

_Shit, something is really really wrong._

  
Eliott thinks about that when he´s sitting on the couch, drawing to his sketchbook. Lucas came, was here for a little and then he left, probably to their bedroom. 

And when Lucas is gone, it´s sudden thought in Eliott´s mind: _something bad is going on with Lucas._

And then he sits there for a while, thinking about it and he´s sure with it more and more with every other minute. Something is wrong. Something is really fucking _wrong_. 

  
Eliott stands up and goes to the bedroom door. He´s standing there for a few moments and listens what´s happening inside. There´s some rustling and Eliott thinks he hears Lucas´ marching around that space. 

He opens the door. 

  
There´s Lucas, facing the wall, forehead pressed to it, eyes shuts tightly, shakily breathing.   
His hands trembling. 

  
"Lucas?" Eliott says softly from his place at the door. Lucas startles and looks at him with lips pressed tightly together and huge eyes. "Are you okay?" Eliott asks and feels like an idiot, because _obviously_ , he´s _not_ okay. He´s anything but okay. 

  
However, Lucas nods, still with his lips like that, closed tightly that they seem white. He´s nodding, a little too fast and little too much. And he tries to smile at Eliott, but it´s just a wierd grimace on his face. 

Eliott hates that.

"Lucas, talk to me," he says and takes a step closer. Lucas takes a step back. "Talk to me, love, what´s going on," Eliott says again with pleading eyes and takes another step to the shaking boy. Lucas stumbles backwards again, until he´s pressed to the wall, shaking his head franatically. 

"Hey, come here," Eliott whispers and reaching his hands slowly. Lucas´ shakes his head. Is he breathing? He looks like he doesn´t. "Come here, baby," Eliott repeats and goes to him. Lucas puts his shaking hands in front of him to stop Eliott, to keep him _away_.   
It´s painful.   
Eliott feels like his heart sinks to his feet.  
It is painful, but more painful is the thought of that Lucas is struggling so much for god-knows-how-long and Eliott didn´t notice earlier. 

"I can´t," says Lucas in weak voice, before the tears appears in his eyes. _"I can´t I can´t I can´t-"_

"You can´t what?" Eliott asks. 

"I can´t do this anymore," he says and his voice breaks in the same moment as the tears fall from his eyes to his almost non-existent cheeks. "I feel like I´m dying," Lucas whispers and pressed his back to the wall behind him. 

"You´re not dying," Eliott says and steps to him, ignoring Lucas´ hands still raised up between them.

"I can´t sleep. I feel like I can't even _breathe_ ," Lucas chokes. "I feel like i'm dying," he repeats and then he's sobbing and tears falling down.

"Lucas, Lucas, listen to me," Eliott says, taking Lucas´ hands in his and steps right to him, cupping Lucas' face in his palms. "You're not dying," he says slowly but steadily, looking into Lucas' eyes.

"I'm gonna die," Lucas whimpers, shaky hands cover his mouth as he's presses to the wall behind him, looking at Eliott with his huge eyes from which is rolling down also huge tears.  
Eliott's heart hurts. "I'm gonna die," he cries again, voice broken and muffled by his hands.

"No, no, you won´t," says Eliott and wants to hug Lucas, to pressed him to his body and protects him, but Lucas´ fighting with him, shoving his hands away and stepping away from him. It hurts. "Lucas, come here," Eliott says and pulling him closer by his forearms. Lucas has his hands on his mouth and mumbling something Eliott doesn´t understand. When Eliott wraps his arms around him, Lucas is so tense, he´s still fighting with Eliott a little. 

"No, I can´t, I can´t-"

"Shhh, you can, you can my love, shhh," Eliott whispers, holding him around his shoulders, Lucas has his hands clenched to fists between their bodies, sobbing to Eliott´s neck. "You´re okay, I have you, I´m holding you," Eliott repeats and sways them little from side to side. 

"I´m gonna die," Lucas whimpers again to his neck in a high pitched voice. 

"You´re not dying, you´re not, you won´t," Eliott says, holding him, holding his head, stroking his hair, kissing him there. _How so he didn´t notice sooner? How so he didn´t notice that the boy he loves suffering so much?_

Eliott walks them to their bed, slowly, because Lucas feels more and more like a death weight in his arms and he doesn´t want for them to fall.   
Lucas´ breathing is shallow with a hiccups but he´s not fighting with Eliott´s hold anymore so that´s a good sign. Eliott sits them on the bed together, slowly, and then he lies down with Lucas in his arms. 

After some time of Eliott´s whispering to Lucas´ ear, mostly just _I have you, it´s gonna be okay, I love you, I love you, I love you,_ Lucas falls asleep. 

Eliott´s holding him for a little while just because he can, just because he has to, just because he _wants_ to. And then Eliott just lies next to him, watching his face, so broken, so sad. So desperate even in his sleep. Eliott´s running his fingers through Lucas´ hair, slowly, gently. Caressing his face, his cheek, his eyebrows and forehead. Watching his face, the dark circles, the prominent cheekbones in a scary way.   
And he whispers _I´m so sorry I didn´t notice sooner._

  
Lucas sleeps for hours and hours. He sleeps since the afternoon Eliott found him in their bedroom, to the next day afternoon. He sleeps for almost 24 hours. 

The next day at noon, Eliott gets up and cooks something to eat. He finds this very yummy-looking recipe of penne with tomato sauce, chicken meat and cheese and he follows every step in the recipe just to make sure he´ll make it good, tasty and correctly. 

It smells really nice in the end. 

He cooks the lunch and then he goes back to bedroom, lies down next to Lucas again. He covered him with a blanket earlier and now he´s just lying there, caressing his features, stroking his hair, drawing little nothings to his skin. 

  
It´s late afternoon when Lucas´ eyelids flutter open, lazily and heavily. 

"Hi," Eliott whispers when Lucas blinks and focuses his eyes on him, Eliott´s fingertips never leaving the soft skin on Lucas´ face. 

Lucas blinks again and again, trying to get rid of the sleep probably. "Hi," he whispers. It´s barely there. 

"How are you feeling?" Eliott asks a little hessitantly and a lot quietly. 

Lucas thinks about it for some time, looking at Eliott´s face, looking around. He doesn´t move inch since he fell asleep yesterday. His body must be sore.

Long time passes before Lucas finally speaks again. 

"Like I´m the last person on Earth," Lucas says. He´s blinking slowly, he looks so sad. 

"That sounds like you´d be all alone," Eliott says. 

"Yeah," Lucas breathes out. 

"But you´re not," Eliott says, hands slipping to Lucas´ neck and back up again. 

"I am."

"No, you´re not," Eliott says again. "You have me."

  
...

  
Eliott drags Lucas out of a bed and right into the kitchen. Lucas was pleading him with weak voice to let him in the bed, but Eliott kissed his forehead and said _"we´re just take something to eat, I made a meal, a good one, and then you can go back to sleep, okay?"_ he smiles and walks Lucas to the kitchen table.

Lucas´ body is sore, Eliott can see that with every little movement from him. That´s why Eliott held Lucas as he walked him to the kitchen, situated him to the chair and then prepared two plates with the penne and the sauce. It looks good. It smells good. And when Eliott takes his first try, it tastes good. Delicious. 

Lucas´ looking at it, shoving the one penne from side to side. Then he takes a bite. Then another. Then two more, before he put the fork down, taking his head to his hands with a sigh. 

Eliott supposes that that was all for now. 

It´s okay. They´ll get there. 

...

After a shower and changing into clean clothes, they´re in bed again. Lucas´ not feeling like talking, but it´s okay for today. They´re here. They´re going to be just fine. 

  
So, the night goes like this: Eliott´s holding Lucas in his arms. Lucas lying half on top of him, his face burried in Eliott´s neck. Eliott´s holding him tightly, his arms wrapped around his shoulders. Drawing soothing nothings to his skin. Whispering to his hair sweet words.

  
"I´ve got you," Eliott whispers to Lucas´ hair. "I´ve got you, love."

And then

"You´re not alone. You have me."

  
Yeah, they´ll get there. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.  
> So this supposed to be one-shot, and then this cute girl wrote a comment that she would like to part 2, so this is for you, cutie.  
> I kinda... I couldn´t get into this universe again, it was a little hard since I´m writing STAY HERE chaptered elu story and I´m very very invested in it, and I didn´t expect it´ll be so hard to... snaps out of it? If you understand?  
> I apologize if it´s not what you wanted or expected. 
> 
> But still, I hope you´ll enjoy. ♥

**ELIOTT**

  
They take week off. Both of them. They switch off their phones so noone could disturb them. Eliott texted Yann that he and Lucas need to be alone for some time so Yann can tell others and noone would come to unexpected visit or anything.   
  


Eliott, laying in bed with sleeping Lucas, can´t shake the heavy feeling of guilt off of him. He´s watching Lucas´ face, pale, sad, dark circles under his eyes, and he hates it. He hates it all. He hates he´s so bad with changes that he needed Lucas so much that he didn´t see that also Lucas maybe needed him.  
  


Eliott is not even surprised Lucas didn´t tell him anything. He knows how difficult it was for them on the very beginning of their relantionship, how hard it was for Lucas to open up and tell Eliott how he really feels about anything.  
Eliott thought they got over it. Eliott thought that it´s already far behind them and they are much better in communication and dealing with each other´s insecurities by now. Apparantely, he was wrong.  
  


He doesn´t blame Lucas for it. He blames himself. How can Eliott literally live together with love of his life, and didn´t notice he´s suffering so much?  
  


  
The morning after, Eliott wakes up first. Lucas, sleeping pressed to him, his face smooshed on Eliott´s shoulder, pale and exhausted.   
  


Eliott looks at Lucas sleeping next to him and catches the moment when his eyelids flutter as he´s slowly waking up.   
  


Eliott runs his fingers through Lucas´ hair, brushes them back from Lucas´ forehead. Lucas sighs and blinks at Eliott. It´s so comforting, for Eliott, seeing the blue in Lucas´ eyes. It´s like everything else can change, but this, the blue, this never change.   
Eliott smiles at Lucas, kissing his nose, brushing the hair, stroking his cheek.   
  


Lucas closes his eyes again, re-adjusts himself a little and wraps his arm around Eliott´s waist.   
  


"Good morning," Eliott whispers and kisses him into his hair, wraps his arms around his shoulders and hugs him closer. Eliott is the happiest, like this. With Lucas, in silence, holding him. Having him this close. It´s more intimate than anything else between them, Eliott thinks. It´s more intimate because it´s only two of them who can have the other like this, in the morning, vulnerable, sleepy and emotionally exposed.   
  


"Eliott," Lucas whispers now.   
  


"Yes, baby," Eliott whispers back.   
  


"I want to apologize," Lucas says and Eliott looks down to his face. He sees Lucas has slightly pink cheeks. "I... I´m sorry-"  
  


"What?" Eliott asks, frowns with confusion. Why would Lucas should apologize? He didn´t do anything wrong, at least what Eliott remembers.   
  


"I´m sorry for, um.. for yesterday, and especially for the day before, I´m truly sorry," Lucas says, holds Eliott around his waist, his hand in fist over the fabric of Eliott´s t-shirt.   
  


"Why are you sorry, Lucas?" Eliott asks and shuffles a little so he sees Lucas´ eyes. He looks guilty.   
  


"I just feel like I should apologize because... I didn´t mean to..." Lucas swallows, rubs his face on Eliott´s shoulder. "I didn´t mean to react like that, I should have... I don´t know, handle it better and I´m-"  
  


"Baby," Eliott says softly and shakes his head. "What are you talking about? This is nothing you should be sorry for, this is nothing you should feel guilty about, okay?" He reaches his hand to cup Lucas´ face but he exhales, releases Eliott´s t-shirt from his grip and turns around on a bed, shows his back to Eliott.   
  


"I´m just so fucking stressed and I let it blow up on you and for that I´m sorry because you didn´t deserve it," Lucas mumbles, laying on his side on the edge of bed, facing away from Eliott. Eliott´s watching his back for two seconds more before he hears sniffle and then he´s there, pressing himself to Lucas´ back, limbs wraps around Lucas´ body, kissing his neck and then nuzzling to it, spooning him from behind.   
  


"I love you," he says. "I love you, Lucas, you hear me?" Eliott shuffles a little backwards to the middle of the bed, pulling Lucas with him so they wouldn´t fall. He lifts his head to look at Lucas´ face. He has his eyes shut tightly, lips wobbly. "Hey, baby," he whispers, kissing Lucas´ cheek and the next words pressing straight to Lucas´ skin over there. "I´ll tell you our plan, you wanna hear it?" Lucas sniffles.  


"Okay...," he breathes out, his hands holds Eliott´s forearms on his chest. Eliott smiles with that, pressing the smile into Lucas´ cheek, too.   
  


"We´re taking a week only for ourselves. We can do whatever we want, just you and me, noone else," Eliott brushes Lucas´ cheek with his nose. Lucas inhales deeply, opens his eyes. "We can just sleep, or we can cook together, hm? Or we can go for a long walk around the city, or we can go on a trip by train. Or we can do nothing at all. It´s just up on us, okay?" Eliott says and tightens his hold around Lucas.   
  


Lucas blinks couple times, he´s probably thinking about it, before he relaxes a little and brings Eliott´s hand to his lips and kisses it.   
  


"Okay," he whispers. Then he turns around to face Eliott. "Sorry," he says, presses their foreheads together.   
  


"This word is strictly forbidden in this flat since today," Eliott says and nuzzles their noses together, smiles when he sees Lucas´ lips twitching in the corners.  


"I love you," says Lucas, put his palm on Eliott´s cheek.   
  


"Love you more," says Eliott and his last words is cought by Lucas´ lips pressed to his. It´s sad that Eliott doesn´t even remember when was the last time they kissed like this. He doesn´t remember.   
He panics a little with that thought, cups Lucas´ face and brings him closer to kiss him more and more to pay him all those kisses they missed.  


And Lucas, Lucas is right there, pulling himself closer by his hands on Eliott´s shoulders, pressing their bodies together, kissing Eliott desperately, that both of them losing their breath but neither of them cares enough to pull away.   
There´s lips bitten red, there´re sighs and mumbling quiet _I love you_ , there are hands traveling over bodies, there are fingers tangled in soft hair.   
  


There´s Lucas and Eliott. 

  
...

  
Eliott switches off their phones and put them into the drawer. They dress up into sweatpants and hoodies and Lucas says he would like to try Eliott´s meal now, because he´s hungry.   
  


Eliott can´t even express how happy that makes him, because Lucas, thin tiny boy before, now looking like he would break into pieces in a stronger wind. Eliott prepares the meal on two plates and brings it to living room where Lucas´ sitting on the couch, knees up to his chin, hugging them with his arms.   
He´s so adorable Eliott just wants to cry sometimes.   
  


"Here you go, love," he says and hands the plate to Lucas, then he sits next to him. He waits until Lucas starts eating before he takes a bite himself. When Lucas hums happily around the meal he´s chewing, Eliott lets himself breathe.  


It´s going to be _fine_. 

  
  
They do nothing much after they eat. 

Eliott plays some movie but neither of them paying much attention. They´re cuddling on the sofa, playing with each other´s hands, tangling and untangling their fingers, pressing soft kisses here and there, everywhere they can reach. 

Eliott catches Lucas few times staring into nothing, biting his lip, thinking. He´s doing it a lot. Eliott knows him, he was doing this before, too, but now Eliott is a little more afraid about what he could think and if that´s not anything what would hurting him inside, making him feel bad.  
  
So he just tugs for Lucas´ hand and kisses it and when Lucas blinks at him, Eliott smiles and pulls him closer.  


Eliott is not surprised when Lucas´ eyelids get heavy after some time. He didn´t sleep in weeks, of course he´s tired. Eliott just snuggles his boy closer, pulls him up on himself, holds him there close to his heart. If Eliott could, he would just hide Lucas there, hide him in front of everything and have him only for himself.   
  
Yes, he knows it´s a little selfish and maybe a little creepy, too, but the fact is, Eliott would do absolutely everything for Lucas.   
And when Lucas´ soft breathing tickling Eliott´s neck, he covers them with the fluffy blanket, kisses his boy´s forehead and thinks about that he could stay like this forever. 

  
...

  
The crisis comes on the third day.   
  


Eliott comes back with groceries and finds Lucas in the bedroom, sitting in the middle of papers with notes, textbooks, notebooks and, when Eliott looks closer, there are papers with his exams, red letters with teacher´s notes shining from the upper half of the page.   
  
Oh.   
_Oh no.  
  
_

"Lucas?" he says carefully.   
  


"Did you know that I´m ruining not only _my_ future but also the future of _my friends_?" Lucas says, staring at one of those papers. "Like... Arthur´s, you know? Because I´m the worst biology partner ever."  
  


They actually never talked about everything what´s bothering Lucas. What was bothering him that he broke down like that five days ago.   
They never talked about it because Eliott was too afraid to ask. They never talked about it because Eliott heard Lucas, that afternoon, saying that he can´t sleep and Eliott thought that´s it, that he´s exhausted and stressed and that it´s too much for him and it just blew up, finally, after weeks of stressing and not eating and not sleeping.   
  


But no. He should have guessed it´s way more in it.   
Lucas is the strongest person Eliott knows. He should have guessed it´s bigger problem.   
  


He kneels in front of Lucas and looks at those papers.   
  


It´s bad. It really is. He looks at one paper, then another and another, collecting them in his hands, and, yeah, it´s pretty bad. Lucas is smart, he is. He´s maybe the smartest teenage boy Eliott knows. This is not him, these papers. Eliott looks at Lucas´ answers and sees only blank spaces under each question, somewhere is one or two words.   
  


"Lucas-"  
  


"You know, teachers talked to me, after classes, they told me I´m ruining my future," Lucas says and Eliott doesn´t recognize his voice. It sounds so helpless. "I would have been okay with that, because I don´t know what to do with my future, anyways. But then this one teacher told me I´m ruining my friends´ future too, because I´m bad partner in class."  
  


"What the fuck," Eliott frowns. How can teacher say something like this to seventeen year old boy?  
  


"And, you know, I was trying," Lucas continues, his voice getting higher and higher with the cry what comes in a few seconds. "I was studying like crazy, reading all those notes and textbooks and looking for informations on the internet and _everything_ , you know?" Lucas hiccups. Eliott doesn´t know if he should pull Lucas into his arms or let him finish what he wants to say. "And when I close my textbooks and notes, get up from table, I can´t remember one single fucking word what I just learned," Lucas says and sobs. "Like my brain doesn´t even fucking _working_."

Eliott collects another handful od papers from over the floor, put those texbooks on the pile, and reaches for Lucas. 

"Come here," he says softly, tugging for his hands. "Come here, come."

"Why I can´t fucking work like a normal human being, I´m so stupid," Lucas whimpers to Eliott´s shoulder when he wraps his arms around Eliott´s neck. 

"You´re not stupid," Eliott says, Lucas clenching on him like baby coala. 

The thing is, Eliott just doesn´t know how that happened that Lucas became this fragile because of school. He knows that the upcoming bac is stressful and Lucas just admitted he doesn´t know what to do next which is very stressful, too. But he was handling it so well, with the minute by minute stuff he and Eliott have together. 

And now he´s sobbing in Eliott´s arms, shaking, and Eliott feels helpless. 

  
...

  
**LUCAS**

  
What the actual fuck is wrong with him! 

He´s so fucked up. He saw those papers again and he remembered all those shitty stuff he needs to do and has no strenght to do so and he breaks like an egg shell under the foot.

Eliott must think he´s weak stupid idiot, crying in his arms like this. Lucas should be better. He should be able to handle it all by himself. How so other people can do that and he can´t? How so Yann, Arthur, Basile, and also all girls, they all doing so _good_ , they are all just _fine_. And they are in the same situation as Lucas is, so what the fuck is wrong?

Maybe he was just pushing all those stuff down inside of him for so long time that it really had to blow into his face, at some point. 

And here he is, anxious, stressed and still not able to learn one fucking thing what he would remember for more than five seconds. 

  
...

  
"I should be able to handle it by myself," Lucas says to Eliott the next day morning, fourth day of their week together. "Others can do that, why I shouldn´t... I have to handle my problems by myself."  
  


Eliott looks at him. "The thing is, Lucas, that you _don´t_ have to," says Eliott with unreadable expression. Lucas would think he´s mad. "You don´t have to, Lucas. You have me. You have me, now. You don´t have to handle everything by yourself because we´re in this together, you know?"

  
Lucas blinks at him. "Yeah, but-"

  
"No, no but. There´s no buts, in relantionship, Lucas. Not between us, not with you and me," Eliott says and Lucas is a little taken aback. "I know you had it hard in the past, I know you were used to dealing with problems on your own, but you don´t have to, anymore, you hear me? You don´t have to."

  
"But you´re handling your stuff by yourself," Lucas points at that. Because yeah, Eliott just dealing with it and he´s amazing in it. In life. In everything. "Successfully, I would say."

  
Eliott scoffs at that and shakes his head. "You know how I´m handling my problems?" he asks and raises his eyebrows. "You know how? I share them with you. I go, talk to you, hug you, and you, you always help me with it, Lucas."

  
 _What?_ Lucas watching his boyfriend, and he´s a little speechless in the moment. He opens his mouth but he doesn´t really know what to say. 

  
"You never let me suffering alone in hard situations, didn´t you notice? Because, if not, and you´re doing it unknowingly, you´re much more pure soul than I thought and I might start crying," Eliott says and lets out breathy laugh.   
Lucas stares at his face, thinking about all those situations but can´t recall single one. He just sees Eliott as one of the strongest people he knows and nothing can beat that for him. 

  
Okay, yeah, maybe when he´s feeling a little down, they spend some time together, just the two of them, and Lucas loves when he can take care of him, because he loves him, but he didn´t think it´s such a big deal for Eliott. 

  
"So, if I have a problem, if I´m feeling down, if I have this feeling I can´t do that anymore, I can´t handle it, I can´t continue like this, I go to you," Eliott continues. "I tell you or I hold you and you´re there, always for me, you just there, by my side, every time, and I feel lighter, you know? This huge weight lifts up from my shoulders and I can breathe again, because I know that I have you."

  
Lucas feels so stupid right now. And so, _so in love_ with Eliott. 

  
"Maybe it´s time for you to realize that too, Lucas. That It´s not _just_ me or _just_ you, but that´s _us_. You _and_ me. Together. You´re my boyfriend and I am yours, you understand? You´re here for me and I´m here for you. Always. You have me and I have you, always. That´s it," Eliott says firmly and Lucas loves him, loves him so much. 

  
Eliott smiles and shakes his head. "I´m going to make some breakfast, then we can study together, if you let me finally fucking help you," he says and walks out of their bedroom, leaves Lucas alone. 

  
Well... _shit_. 

  
What a selfish asshole Lucas is.   
He just thought that with that he´s not telling Eliott he´s not bothering him. He thought that when he doesn´t tell him and tries to handle it, as always, by himself, he won´t worrying Eliott with all his stuff with first year in college. 

  
Truth is, Eliott is right.   
  
There are both of them in the relantionship. They should be equal. For Lucas, it´s hard to admit he can´t do something alone. And for Eliott is hard maybe that Lucas doesn´t go to him when he needs help. Especially when Eliott´s first choice to go to is always Lucas. 

  
Lucas walks out of the bedroom and sees Eliott in the kitchen, putting two mugs on the counter. Lucas goes there and hugs him from behind, wraps his arms around him, kisses his neck and hides his face between his shoulder blades.   
Eliott sighs. 

  
"You´re right," Lucas mumbles. "You´re right, I´m so sorry, love," he kisses his back. 

  
Eliott sighs again, puts his hands over Lucas´ on his chest. 

  
"I thought I said that this word is forbidden," Eliott says and Lucas can´t help but smiles, exhales with relief. 

  
"I can´t go without an apology forever, Eliott," Lucas says, amused. "That´s not how it works in relantionship."

  
"Oh, so you´re relantionship expert now?"

  
"No, that´s definitely you," Lucas smiles wider.

  
"Damn right."

  
Lucas holds him like that for a little longer. Eliott turns around in his hold, leans his back to the counter and holds Lucas close. "I love you," says Lucas. "You´re the best boyfriend ever and I´m sorry I didn´t tell you sooner about my troubles."

  
"But baby... why?" Eliott asks, cups his face. "Did I make you feel like you can´t tell me?"

  
"Oh my god, no! No, Eliott, never," Lucas presses kiss to Eliott´s palm. 

  
"Then why?"

  
Lucas shrugs, looks down. "You were worried so much about your first year in college and I thought that my highschool dramas aren´t such a big deal," Lucas rolls his eyes. "I let it get over my head, a little. That´s absolutely my fault."

  
"Lucas, your worries matter the same as mine," Eliott says. "You can tell me, always. Okay?"

  
"I know," Lucas says and hugs Eliott tighter around his neck. "I know, thank you."

  
They kiss, they kiss again and again and maybe a couple times more.  
They make breakfast together, eat it, then they sit in a living room and Eliott takes Lucas´ notes and textbooks and reads is out loud to him. Lucas listens. Eliott sometimes repeats it few times for Lucas to remember, but the thing is, Lucas remembers everything what Eliott says.   
He remembers those stuff, because Eliott says them. 

  
Lucas then reads out loud chapter in Eliott´s textbook for history of art class. Eliott´s head on his lap, brushing Eliott´s hair, running his fingers through the softness. And Eliott remembers, because he loves the knowledge and he loves Lucas and Lucas´ voice. 

  
And that´s that, they are boyfriends, they are equals, they help each other if it´s needed. They listen, they hug, they kiss, they are there, _together_.  
And that´s _it_. 

  
...

  
Their week is gone and they go to school again. 

  
A little earlier so they can grab a coffee together. 

  
"Have a good day," says Eliott at the school gate and kisses Lucas. "I´ll be there when you´ll be done, okay?"

  
"Okay, love you," Lucas says and kisses Eliott a few times more. 

  
"Text me if anything," Eliott calls after him when he´s walking backwards down the street. 

  
"You too!" Lucas calls after him and both of them grin at each other. 

  
Lucas can do it. Eliott can do it.   
_They_ can do it. 

  
...

  
"Hi," Eliott giggles when Lucas runs to him that afternoon and jumps on him, legs wrapped around Eliott´s waist. "How was your day?"

  
"It was good," Lucas smiles sweetly and picks up the paper in his hand to Eliott´s eyes to see. He did it. Full score in exam.

  
"Oh my god! That´s amazing!" Eliott laughs with bright eyes and Lucas loves him so much. "I´m so proud of you, baby!"

  
"This is thanks to you, I remembered, everything," Lucas says, nuzzling their noses together. "Like I´d have little Eliott inside my head, telling me those stuff, answering my questions."

  
Eliott giggles adorably and Lucas just fucking loves him. 

  
"Come on, let´s go celebrate," Eliott says, puts Lucas back on the ground and holds his hand. 

  
"Ice-cream?" Lucas asks, tries to make a puppy eyes on him. "I want to hear about your day."

  
Eliott smiles at him and leans to kiss him again and again all over his face. "Ice-cream that is," he says and so they go. 

  
And Lucas looks around and the world is actually so pretty, everything is bright and the brightest things are Eliott´s smile and his eyes, shining like little stars.   
And he belongs to Lucas. 

And Lucas looks at him and looks at him and thinks, _yes, my sweet boy, I have you and you have me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: briallenko  
> ig art account: briallen.art

**Author's Note:**

> If I´ll get my shit together, I might write a part 2.
> 
> tumblr: briallenko


End file.
